Not just a mom

Christmas around here is insane. By Christmas Eve, I'm wrapping last minute presents, baking billions of cookies, and unloading boxes full of presents that were sent to us from different family members around the states. The kids go to bed with an empty tree, and wake up to presents galore. It seems like it would be magical. They are always shocked by the volume of presents under the tree (as am I). They have fun. We are blessed.

For Christmas this year, among other things, I received a beautiful little jewelery box. It had LAM engraved on it (my initials). For a split second, I stopped and went "I wonder why it doesn't have MOM on it?". Then it occurred to me: I'm an actual human person. Like outside of the kids, I'm an actual person.

Shocking, I know.

Before I had kids, I was stupid fun. I had a ton of friends. I didn't have any fears (except mice, those things are just evil). I had an identity. People knew who I was, and they liked me. I wasn't just Trinity, Madison, and Mason's mom. I wasn't Scott's wife. I was someone. I was pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

Then Trinity entered the picture. Evidently, when I gave birth to that beautiful little girl, I lost a little piece of my identity. When I gave birth to Madison, I lost a little more. When I gave birth to Mason, I lost a little more. It wasn't a hostage situation- they didn't refuse to hand over the goods until I gave them a piece of me, it just happened. I was so deep in motherhood, that I forgot I was an actual person too.

I always thought going back to school was my answer- it would keep me level, keep me "me" and not just isolated as someone's mom. I LOVE being their mom, but I can't just be their mom. I can't raise these beautiful little humans, then suddenly start being "me" again when they're grown and out of the house. That's not really how life works.

When I die, I want to be remembered as Trinity's mom, Madison's mom, Mason's mom. I want to be remembered as a good daughter, a good wife. But, I also want to be remembered as a person, as just Laurie.

New Year's resolution #1- reclaim my identity.


I'm fairly certain this is easier to type than it will be to accomplish.