Today is October 15. Normally, this day wouldn't hold much significance. Now, however, it holds more significance than many people know.
Lets run through some dates:
March 12, 2009- 1 week after getting a positive pregnancy test, and one month until my daughter's 2nd birthday, I have my first miscarriage. Never in a million years did I dream I could miscarry. My prior pregnancies had been completely normal, and the labors were fast and easy. I thought I was born to have babies. This day forever changed my life.
May 13, 2009- Nearly 2 months after my first loss, I find out that I am pregnant again. This time, I'm terrified. Part of me feels like this will last, and part of me feels like its not worth getting excited about.
July 29, 2009- I miscarry again at nearly 16 weeks, although the baby passed away weeks earlier at 11 1/2 weeks. This time may be even more devastating than the first, as I find out this was the little boy I had always wanted.
October 25, 2009- Another pregnancy test. Instead of being excited like I should be, I'm terrified and just want to sleep away the next 9 months. I don't even schedule a doctor appointment until I am in my 2nd trimester, because I simply can't handle the heartbreak again.
June 29, 2010- I finally get to hold my baby in my arms. Words cannot describe the emotion I felt as they laid him on my chest.
I've been struggling today, trying to figure out how I feel. On one hand, I'm incredibly blessed to have my three beautiful and healthy children. On the other hand, I wish I had never had to experience a loss. As November approaches, I am reminded that my 1st loss would be 1 on the 9th. The next date I think about would be January 20th, as that would be the day my 2nd loss would turn 1.
It is really hard to figure out what I'm feeling today. If I hadn't of had my losses, I wouldn't of had Mason. I can't imagine life without my sweet, chubby little guy. The emotions from the losses are still so raw. Having those losses took away a part of my heart. They took away the innocence of pregnancy. They made me an anxious, nervous wreck for my entire pregnancy with Mason -so much so that I feel like I was robbed of actually enjoying it.
Still, the losses made me stronger. I survived 2 of the darkest periods in my entire life. I feel like because I survived those times, I can survive anything that is thrown my way. I miss my babies like crazy, but I know they are wrapped in God's arms, looking down on their parents and siblings.
I still regret never looking at baby #2. I wish I would have. Sure, it probably would have scarred me on an even deeper level, but at least I would have an image to go with my devastation. Instead, I chickened out and begged the nurse not to show me him. It was so hard, knowing that his lifeless little body was laying a mere 10 feet away from me in a pink plastic tub, but I knew I couldn't handle seeing him.
I'm not for sure if anyone reads this. Normally, I don't care if anyone does or not. However, today is different. If you are reading this, please remember to light a candle or at least say a prayer for all of those remembering innocent lives lost today.
The hurt and the pain never go away.
Light a Candle
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