Let Go.

Sometimes, you reach a point in life when you just have to let go.

In my lifetime, I've had to let go of friends, anger, past relationships, past heartache, jobs, resentment...I could probably go on and on. I used to be border line hoarder- holding on to everything and anything I get, as if I'd suddenly forget something. I still am, in a way, especially when it comes to the kid's stuff. I still have all of their umbilical cords (not around my neck or anything creepy, in their baby books).

It has taken me a long time to realize that sometimes, letting go is healthy.

Sometimes, I let go of things I shouldn't let go of. I don't think anyone is right 100% of the time. However, if I was meant to have it, it comes back. Maybe in a different form, maybe in the same form, but it comes back. How's that for vague? :)

Recently, I've attempted to rid my life of evil. In ways, that also means letting go of things that could provoke evil. This includes relationships that may not have been a direct threat to me, but had the potential to bring out evil, in one way or another. I battle with my pride on a daily basis. I think I have the pride of a man or something. I hate being wrong, but I can admit when I am. It's hard as hell, but I'll admit it. But when I believe I'm right- when I have no proof to tell me otherwise, I don't conform. This is one of those things that I pray on daily, with hopes of seeing some change.

Its funny, I used to judge my life on how many friends I had, whether it be on social networks or in person. I had to have a million friends, a million different options. To me, surrounding myself with people, no matter how bad or good they were, meant that I was liked. I was loved. I was appreciated.

Finally, at the age of 26, I realize that it isn't the quantity, but the quality. Maybe that sounds stuck up, and maybe I am (of course, I don't see it as that way, but others might). I can't change how others think of me, or how others see me. Really, all I can do is control myself, hope that I'm living the best example for my children I can, and live my life in a Godly manner. Having 200+ friends isn't important to me anymore.

Something else I've realized: even if you are related to someone, it doesn't mean you have to like or respect them and their decisions. Of course, there is no reason to be disrespectful and tell them they are a pile of garbage or something, but that doesn't mean you have to include them in your life either. Sometimes, destruction runs deeper then just within themselves, and you have to walk away before it transfers to you.

For the longest time, what others thought about me was my identity. If someone thought I was mean, I would bend over backwards to make sure they didn't think that way. I wouldn't speak my mind, because that would make me blunt or too honest, and no one really wants to know if they look fat in a dress, even if they ask you.

Now, I'm comfortable in my skin. I know what is important, and I know what isn't. Other people's perceptions of me, while still important (as everyone's feelings are important), don't matter to me anymore. God's perception, my kid's perception, my husband's perception- that is what matters. If they love me, I know I'm doing ok.

So while I may be too blunt, too honest, too set in my beliefs, I know that I'm ok. Far from perfect, far from the best I can be, but I'm ok.

I'm comfortable with me. There is always room for improvement, but for now, at this moment, I am ok with me. Sadly, I think it may be the first time in my life I have been able to say it without feeling guilty for lying to myself and others.

I gotta tell you, its a good feeling. It's nice to be the purple duck.